Wednesday, March 28

Panic Attack


Fuck, I think that I had a panic attack last night.

I had just come off the phone to my aunty Annette and was trying to think of the positives that could be found from a pretty negative conversation about the upcoming family reunion. I decided that I would write an email encouraging everyone to turn up and to put it in their calendar, to come with a positive attitude and for those who’ve worked hard towards making it happen, enjoy your self. I find that when I organise something I get so close to the project that I become my own biggest critic and often my own worst enemy, it was with this thought in mind when I checked my email. There was a reply to a forum post I had made about the new Bank of England £20 note.

English imperialism and correct my worldview

In the post I had addressed it to all the JETs from the UK, and then informed them that the £20 note had change. However I didn’t say that the Bank of England note was the only one affected, and a particularly vocal member of the JET community seized upon this as an opportunity to fight English imperialism and correct my worldview… “England doesn’t equate with the UK”.

It was whilst writing a reply to this that my heart started racing really hard, my vision became slightly distorted and, well, I panicked. At first I thought that the 3-day-old wine I had just swigged from the bottle may have been ‘bad’, then I thought I was having a heart attack. When I finally came to my senses and realised that I was having a panic attack I tried to calm myself by controlling my breathing, that didn’t work.

the catalyst for the attack, by no means was it the cause

So, I didn’t ignore it but I decided I would finish the reply and concentrated fully on that task. That seemed to work, I felt a lot better after finishing and my panic had turned to worry. My heart was still beating hard when I went to bed, but nothing like it was before.

Althought the email was the catalyst for the attack, by no means was it the cause. I’ve been stressed recently with the preparations for my parent’s arrival, everything is in hand but I’m still letting it worry me a lot. Also I’ve been having trouble with learning Japanese, partly due to a lack of motivation. And at work I’m losing my supervisor and I’ve been trying to plan the years lessons at work, which is no small task. I guess it all got on top last night, hopefully it was a one off.

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