Charlie Clempson Fan Club: Found A Rant part II

OK, so let the insanity continue, here is the second part of the 'Found Rant' about Charlie Clempson and how I felt about the whole affair. And if part one was bad, then this is far far worse. I have to say that the Stephen of 2009 isn't to impressed with the Stephen of 2003... he was dick.

Seems obvious, you can't be in love if she or he don't love you back. You can't love someone in a half hearted matter, it takes a whole heart, and you can't love someone without showing it.

So when I was sitting with a piece of paper in my hands, with a neat two column list of all the things which made me a shit boyfriend, and she was telling me athat she 'still' loved me but loved herslef more and couldn'y change me so couldn't be with me, a voice screamed in me "LIAR, COWARD" A voice screamed at her and I felt a swell of emotion, more emotion than any person should feel at once.

I pitied her, the coward, the liar. I pitied me, the accused , the unjustly treated. I hated her, every word on that page, in two neat columns all that care and thought put into hurting me! I hated me, so much of that list was true, if it was only true of a moment of our time together it was true enough.

No one's perfect, no one. Sometimes I could be 1. Inconsiderate... but so could she. I remember this one I was crying, tears weren't flooding down my cheeks but I was weeping as much as a healthy VD free boy can. And I was opening up to her about how my Dad was more interested in work and his other families than me and how [NAME OMITTED] had [OMITTED TEXT], which had huge ramifications on on all future relationships.

It wasn't hard to open up, I was drinking and I was in love. I was so in love that I ignore d the fact that she hadn't even tried to console me before launching into her [ORIGINAL TEXT ABOUT HER OWN SKELETONS & DEMONS OMITTED].

I ended up feeling no better, and [in fact] a whole lot worse. I was racked with guilt for even thinking I had things bad, felt guilty about haveing raw feelings, she made me feel guilty for someone other than her [???].

That to me is fucking inconsiderate! I could also recall a moment when I was 12. Overbearing. But I had asked her if I was being a pain, admittedly after acting absolutely useless without her, but she had made out like I was not a burden and she actually enjoyed using me like a 'project'.

I know I enjoyed it, being cared after, having someone to rely on. Truth is I could have done with seeing her less during that period but it was so satisfying, being able to moan about work and get another persons perspective. Truth was she was a distraction, work had become to intensive and she took the edge off, which lead me to act 13. needy and become 14. smothering.

I personally think that there's no need for 13 or 14 after 12 but I guess for a girl who spells love in more than one way...

And that is where that little rant ended... oh and if you were wondering, how many points were on the two columned list then the answer is 'a lot more than 14' that list was extensive and not only well presented but mostly (honestly) correct.

Charlie Clempson Fan Club: Found A Rant

So my Mum brought over some old papers and junk that I forgot at hers before I had left. Amongst the papers, mostly old bills and unopened letters, I found something I had written about Charlie Clempson and I, I thought that I would post it.

This fast part is mental, and testament to how much of a geek I was (am?), I really get upset about receiving a Batman comic instead of a something from the Marvel stable... this took up a page of erratic and totally not self-aware ranting. 

Anyway, in attempt to exercise a few demons... here is the first part of the 'Found Rant'

I keep finding artifacts from our relationship, little things that are undeniably 'her'! Pictures, notes emails, presents that I never liked.

The last trinket was a Batman comic, fuck knows why! Why I had kept it or why she bought it for me. Part of me hopes I'd bought her equally unwanted gifts, gifts which smacked of laziness and ignorance.

A fucking Batman comic?! I'm a Marvel man! Give me Spide-Man (with or without a hyphen), give me The Ultimates or Supreme Powers, not Batman! Why Batman?
I'd go as far as to say that the difference between a Dark Knight fan and a Spidey fan is as wide as the gulf between a Irish Catholic and an Protestant. No difference really, yet it still seems acceptable to hate each other.

If she'd known me she would have known that I wouldn't appreciate that sort of shit. And she would have definitely known that I wouldn't have like her writing on every other page: "You Amaze me..." this and "I luv you" that!

Stuff that didn't just geel gag-worthy in retrospect, I distinctly remember masaging [the tension out of the] back of mine own neck whilst forcing a smile and faking gratitude.

She couldn't even write LOVE... L - O -V - E, love and not the cop out LUV.
There's only one way to spell it and contrary to most women's belief, there is only one way to do it.

Completely.

Mutually.

Lovingly. [Um, can't use the word lovingly in as an adverb to describe love]

And there's more... woah! I didn't realize that I was so very, very, very maladjusted. Part two tomorrow.

The Charlie Clempson Fan Club

I lived with a girl once, not something I will encourage anyone to do in a hurry. It's a tough gig, you're in close proximity of your lover all the time, and unless you feel that you can relax with this person, that you can truly feel comfortable with the, then you're up shit's creek without a fuck-oar.

Fortunately I loved this girl so living with her was a whole heap of fun most of the time. We fought sometimes, and there were many an occasion when I didn't understand why she seemed to stubbornly refuse to see things from my far more rational POV.

Fighting escalated, and those things that I thought were cute and endearing became boring and in some cases irritating. I consequently became less considerate, more irritable in her presence and less eager to be in her around her too. Many a night I came home late without calling, or went out with the boys with no word on whether I would be home or where I was going.

one of us was crying in a comedy club and the other was rolling their eyes and making very audible and exasperated sighs

On one of our dates I had invited most of my friends to come with us not realizing that the girlfriend and I were supposed to be enjoying the evening alone, and on realizing my mistake instead of being apologetic I became defensive; "Why can't you just enjoy the evening anyway? Do you have to make a scene now?"

A similar incident on Valentines where I pointed out several of her faults that particularly annoyed me, forgot my wallet and didn't comfort her when I pushed her to tears, led to us breaking up.

I felt angry... unfairly treated, unjustly rejected, I felt that I deserved a second chance...

It's odd, from this point in time, looking back with the aid of hindsight I can see that we were on the rocks and things were not good. If I had been more attentive to the relationship I may have tried to weather the storm or had ended it before it had got so bad that one of us was crying in a comedy club and the other was rolling their eyes and making very audible and exasperated sighs.

However when that fateful day came, and the tables were turned and it was Charlie telling me what it was exactly that she didn't like about me, I found myself totally unprepared. I felt angry, I felt unfairly treated, unjustly rejected, I felt that I deserved a second chance, totally unaware that I had taken liberties with second and third chances already, the relationship was over.

I wish now that I had only take the time to think about everything, to see things from Charlie's point of view and then to think about myself and how I'd been acting, and more importantly why I'd been acting that way. I was inconsiderate, uncaring and thoughtless because it's in my nature to be, but because I had become bored of Charlie, bored of our relationship and resentful of her for being the part of the relationship I no longer enjoyed.

Living with someone has it's benefits you see, companionship being the biggest and one, and with companionship sometimes dependancy. I had grown dependent on Charlie through friendship and love, and then in the later stages of our relationship, just out of habit.

I learnt to never pretend that something is something it is not on the basis of what it once was

It was Charlie who realised that I wasn't in love with her first, she then acted on that, mostly because she needed love and affection as well as companionship, and she found it in someone else.

It took a while to get over what I felt was a betrayal, I felt that if there were problems with our relationship then she should have come to me before going to someone else. I feel like a hypocrite now, because I felt there were problems in our relationship but instead of facing them I ignored them, in doing so I betrayed my own feelings and was just as dishonest to her.

The end of that relationship was a pivotal point in my life, initially it meant that I would later live with Brin and consider going to Japan on the JET programme as a result, I would find work in London and decide to become a Project Manager and I would refocus my efforts at University and come out the other end having done pretty well. But more than that I learnt to never let myself become that same coward again, who would stay in a relationship just because the alternative is being alone, or pretend that something is something it is not on the basis of what it once was.

And that is why I'm a Charlie Clempson fan, because without her brave example of self preservation highlighting my comparable example of cowardice, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And I may be at fault in many ways but I like myself and know my own worth enough to know what I deserve and when I deserve better.