Untitled & Unfinished 1:
Though now I'm here at the only conclusion
Untitled & Unfinished 2:
And through the starkest night I've stood staring at lunar light
Untitled & Unfinished 3:
And all the time my heart beg my mind for some sort of release
Some solace
Some peace
Untitled &
I wonder how much I've let go by holding on
Obstinately,
Wonder how much I let pass by standing fast
Stubbornly,
I didn't wonder too fast if I was led down a path right for me,
Unpropitiously,
Or where that path would lead or what would be left in sight for me
Aimlessly,
Though it is no small wonder, no wonder at all, that it came to an end
Calamitously
1 & 2 are a little hammy now that they're written down, I might have 3 written on my gravestone because that is the only place it could be where it wouldn't seem trite. 4 is the more complete and yet seems unfinished, it feels like their is a narrative hidden there and I need to eek it out but I've set my self a task by beginning with a structure I can't carry on in any genuine way.
Again, comments welcome.
I like 1 a lot. It's feels like the end to an old school murder mystery, where the murderer turns out to be the narrator, not in a cheesy way but in a super scary Edgar Allen way.
ReplyDeleteI think 4 would sound nicer if you took away all the LY endings. Like, "I stood there, stubborn" not "stubbornly," I don't know. That may not be what you meant. I just have an issue with adverbs.Like when rappers think that if you add LY to every line, it rhymes or something. Don't mind me. I only write cheesy cheesy mozarella things.
I very like your words.
-m.
Thanks -m
ReplyDeleteI will certainly think about making those changes. I feel everything hangs together better if the last syllable of each section is the same, just because it marks the end of that section.
But I will think about it, thanks for the advice.