Wednesday, January 30

High Tension

So I just spent a week without my new DS, I left it in a friends car on my way to a house party. Oh, and what a house party! I was totally sober of course because yes I am still on my no drinking 'whatever', and no I don't know when I will be giving up on giving up.

So, being at a house party and not drinking was a new one on me, I felt kind of out of sorts, a bit exposed and I had to put myself in a frame of mind where I was constantly looking for stimulus without alcohol, trying to find it in conversation, pac man, food and and people watching.

Now, put Americans fresh out of university and alcohol into a room temperature space, add a dash of music, and a generous helping of more alcohol, leave for an hour and you have yourself a lovely slice if mayhem. It was an eye opener, or as a friend said;

"wow, sounds like a scene out of every b-grade american college comedy ever made"

People were dry humping against walls, pornographic material was being dissected eagerly by several people and then the contents of that material drawn onto anyone who dared get too drunk to stay conscious, coed wrestling (two lads VS one one girl) and beer pong with accompanying 'shit talking', 'oh yeahs!' and whooping! More than once I felt like granddad, just a few generations out of step, my party muscles limp from atrophy.

At no point did I regret being there, I was hanging out with some really likable people and had been the recipient of generosity, compliments and bum squeezes, it was a good party, quite 'high tension' as the Japanese would put it but certainly better than an evening with Link and the Sands of Time.

Passing time with the Sands of Time is how I will be spending next week, by then I will have my DS back and will be back in sword swinging form on Zelda, a far more sedate way to spend an evening. And I think I'm going to need a few sedate nights; last weekend was Brett's party, the weekend before that was Snowball, the coming weekend there's an after party in the city and the weekend after that it's a quick trip over the water for RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE and fun in the capital.

Monday, January 28

MSN Conversation with Anom

Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation.

Anom says:
   woooo hoooooooooo
Stephen says:
   Sup homes?
Anom says:
   man....ive been masterbating soooo much lately
Anom says:
   liteally about 3 times a day
Stephen says:
Anom says:
   yesterday i did it for about an hour
Anom says: soon as i woke up
Anom says:
   and again
Anom says:
Anom says:
   its insanity
Anom says:
   i bought new porn
Anom says:
   dowloaded new vids
Anom says:
   bought some lubri-cunt
Anom says:
   i cant walk past a porn shop or newsagent without poping in
Stephen says:
wow... you're really going at it
Anom says:
   ive hardly looked at any girls
Anom says:
   just on my own
Anom says:
   i love it
Anom says:
   there is something wrong
Anom says:
   its been about a week
Anom says:
   i cant stop
Anom says:
Stephen says:
Stephen says:
   you need a girlfriend?
Anom says:
Anom says:
Anom says:
   that could be it
Anom says:
   but how?
Anom says:
   i dont even see many hot girls
Anom says:
   maybe i should go clubbing
Stephen says:
Yeah, go clubbing. Buy a whore... whatever works for ya
Anom says:
   i dunno
Anom says:
   i went on a speed dating night
Anom says:
   it was soo funny
Anom says:
   organized for ex-JETS
Anom says:
   it was fun
Stephen says:
   Speed dating for exJETs? ha ha... t
Stephen says:
   that's cool
Anom says:
   and i went out with Naoko on fri night
Anom says:
   but nothing turned me on
Anom says:
   i think....i just dont like girls anymore
Anom says:
   i just like my hand
Anom says:
   everytime i wank i think about either..a) Kodi bouncing up and down on my cock
Anom says:
   or b) fuckign Jaehyun up the ass or from behind
Stephen says:
   Maybe you need the type of dirty slut you find in porn?
Anom says:
   yes....i would like that - i need a PORN SLUT
Anom says:
   where do i get one?
Anom says:
   i need a filthy fucking dirty porn slut
Anom says:
   [who looks] like Christina aquilaria
Stephen says:Anom says
   The internet... they're waiting for you on dodgy sites
Anom says:
   but i need love too
Anom says:
   i dont want a one off
Stephen says:
   Thats a tuff one. You could just go to Chavvy bars and pick one up there
Anom says:
Anom says:
   i dont a dumb bint
Anom says:
   i need a smart, dominating, beatiful, skillfull dirty porn slut
Stephen says:
   Well, thats even tuffer... you're asking for a lot
Anom says:
   i know i know
Anom says:
   but thats my order
Anom says:
   its the only way this insane wanking marathon is gonnna stop
Anom says:
   maybe its a phase

Thursday, January 24

Letter With No Stamp

Dear Stephen,

I really can say without the whiff of a lie
I really wish that Stephen Walrond would keel over and die
And without irony I can honestly confess
That I hope Stephen Walrond will suffer in death
And without an ounce of remorse or doubt in my mind
I hope Stephen Walrond will meet an end of a horrific kind

I really do wish and I really do pray
And I know its not right or just in anyway
But I really do want and I’m not afraid to say
Because I can’t breathe the same air as Stephen Walrond for another day

And whilst he is still alive
There’s only one goal toward which I will strive
So I clean up my Glock and sharpen my knives
With a view to use a spoon to gouge out Stephen ‘s eyes.

To keep from being idle and getting too bored
I practice with a samurai or a broad sword
Seldom when money and time do afford
I’ll make an effigy with a melon and some cardboard
I’ll make it walk around a mock grocery store
Pulled by rope on a skateboard

Then I’ll ambush it from under the frozen goods
And chase it into the organic foods
Then with a chainsaw I quickly dispatch
Some punishment followed by gasoline and a match
Or sometimes high explosives because I stock pile a batch

Oh Stephen, Oh Stephen
With one eye open sleep
Because if you sleep to deep
Six feet under you’ll sleep

Yours truly,


Film Reviews

OK, so I have a list of reviews to write longer than my arm. Lately instead of reviewing movies in 3 paragraphs or less I've been watching them and listening to reviews (rather wordier reviews) from The Guardian podcast and from Mark Kermodes BBC podcast, both great podcasts if you like films.

Anyway, here are some reviews I wrote earlier and some films I would like to recommend to you.

Chronicles of Riddick

Riddick is the deadly anti-hero of the film Pitch Black. He is mean, fearless and determined and only seems to derive pleasure from other peoples discomfort. He’s a great character and perfectly played by Vin Diesel in this no-brainer of a popcorn movie.

Special effects stand up even a few years on from this films release and the action compels the viewer to watch on, excited for the next big set piece and then the finale, which comes in a timely fashion and doesn’t disappoint.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Confessions is a movie about a television programmer or thinks that he’s a black-ops assassin, or is a black-ops assassin. The film is stylish, quick and full of dark humour. The joy is to be found in the utterly ridiculous plot, the over the top lead performance and the quirkiness.

Matrix Revolutions

I loved the Matrix when it came out, its rare that a film is thought provoking and easily digestible at the same time. The sequel again didn’t disappoint, Revolutions isn’t a superior movie to the original, the original was seminal, but it's a worthy successor all the same. The fight scenes are far more extravagant, visceral and violent, the love story is believable and the action comes thick and fast.

If it wasn’t for that scene, that computer game scene, then I would have been totally drawn in and willing even to accept the confusion of the scene with the architect. However, when the wires show that obviously all suspension of disbelief is lost and its difficult to then get past such an expensive and obvious gaff.

Flesh Gordon

I have a new computer game for my PSP, it’s called Kollon and it's a puzzle game in the same vein as Columns and Hexic, you trun groups of colured blocks to make groups of boxes with the same colour. It’s a good game. I mention this because during the entirety of Flesh Gordon I played Kollon, because Flesh Gordon is a bad film, for it’s time, for it’s discredit.
In fairness to the film it does try to be bad, it attempts to throw in the cheesiest music, the worst one-liners and the poorest costumes (when the cast is actually dressed), the fact that it achieves this doesn’t make the film ironically bad, it just makes the film bad.

British Media Hates British Celebrity

Yesterday a friend pointed out this quote from the Chicago Tribune about Britain's relationship with their celebrities.
"The British media's fickle attitude toward celebrities reflects the self-doubt of a country looking for sometone to blame for its loss of greatness"

The article went on to use our relationship with our soccer stars as an example of our fickleness toward our national heroes. Written below is how I respond to the opinion piece in the Chicago Tribune and what I think of British celebrity.

Our media does turn on celebrities really quickly though, the football example is a bad one because our relationship with sporting stars isn't easily likened with our relationship with celebrities because of our passion for football and the national/local pride that comes with supporting a team.
But my friend emailed me the other day and complained about yet another "100 Most Annoying People of The Year" show, and Russel Brand coming in the top 10. Russels success is ubiquitous, and tabloids hate that, so they and trash TV will attack him. Most people see it for what it is and ignore it, it's just a way to sell tomorrows fish & chip wrappers. British people appreciate hard work, dedication and success, they especially appreciate being entertained, evidenced by the fact that Britain has produced and then championed some of the greatest musicians, authors, film makers and actors of the 20th century.

As for not knowing who to blame for our loss of 'greatness', my generation and the generations that are most relevant these days weren't born into the Empire, they were born after most of the colonial countries had declared independance and the UK was once again a small fish in a large pond (still managing to hold its own).

One way to judge success, and this holds true with countries as it does with celebrities, is to look at who is aiming childish vitriol at you and barely masking their envy whilst doing so. When an American can talk about the loss of the UK's power and have it not come across at all ironic is when the UK really has a loss to lament.


Bye bye nameless students who I care very little about.

Yesterday the worst of any of my classes had their last lesson and I made a small impromptu speech about how I wish them well in the future and hope that they enjoyed their school lives. I wondered whilst stood in front of them if they could tell that I had no interest in being there whatsoever and didn't care about any of them at all. 

Harsh words, I know, but I really don't. No connections were made, none of them stood out, inspired me or touched my soul in some day-time TV show kind of way. I've literally been phoning it in for the last 3 months; I realised that no amount of encouragement, creativity, or enthusiasm will ever be enough to get these kids to take an interest in communicating in English.

It's not just the students and me who don't care, the teachers are totally exam orientated and not at all communications orientated. The whole year with these students has been about memorizing by rote learning and then repeating those phrases within very discrete contexts.

These students are going to go on to be shop keepers, beauticians and factory workers, 7 years of English classes was an absolute waste of time for them, and they knew it too.

I watched a film the other day called Survive Style 5, a Japanese film that was beautiful but also pointless and schizophrenic to boot. Vinnie Jones was in the film and played a hitman who would ask his prey a existential question before offing them; 

"What is your function in life?"

If they could answer satisfactorily then he wouldn't kill them; as I stood in front of those kids, lying from my back teeth about how proud they have made me and how much I enjoyed their skits, I wondered how I would escape being killed by Vinnie when he asked me what my purpose was and I answered:

"I repeat phrases from a text book and encourage others to repeat them back to me in the hope that one day those phrases will be of use to those people, but fully aware all along, that they won't."

So, yesterday was my last class with 34 Homeroom and today my last with 33 Homeroom, the end of a reciprocal relationship where we're both the most inconsequential thing in each other's lives.

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