Wednesday, February 6

The Charlie Clempson Fan Club

I lived with a girl once, not something I will encourage anyone to do in a hurry. It's a tough gig, you're in close proximity of your lover all the time, and unless you feel that you can relax with this person, that you can truly feel comfortable with the, then you're up shit's creek without a fuck-oar.

Fortunately I loved this girl so living with her was a whole heap of fun most of the time. We fought sometimes, and there were many an occasion when I didn't understand why she seemed to stubbornly refuse to see things from my far more rational POV.

Fighting escalated, and those things that I thought were cute and endearing became boring and in some cases irritating. I consequently became less considerate, more irritable in her presence and less eager to be in her around her too. Many a night I came home late without calling, or went out with the boys with no word on whether I would be home or where I was going.

one of us was crying in a comedy club and the other was rolling their eyes and making very audible and exasperated sighs

On one of our dates I had invited most of my friends to come with us not realizing that the girlfriend and I were supposed to be enjoying the evening alone, and on realizing my mistake instead of being apologetic I became defensive; "Why can't you just enjoy the evening anyway? Do you have to make a scene now?"

A similar incident on Valentines where I pointed out several of her faults that particularly annoyed me, forgot my wallet and didn't comfort her when I pushed her to tears, led to us breaking up.

I felt angry... unfairly treated, unjustly rejected, I felt that I deserved a second chance...

It's odd, from this point in time, looking back with the aid of hindsight I can see that we were on the rocks and things were not good. If I had been more attentive to the relationship I may have tried to weather the storm or had ended it before it had got so bad that one of us was crying in a comedy club and the other was rolling their eyes and making very audible and exasperated sighs.

However when that fateful day came, and the tables were turned and it was Charlie telling me what it was exactly that she didn't like about me, I found myself totally unprepared. I felt angry, I felt unfairly treated, unjustly rejected, I felt that I deserved a second chance, totally unaware that I had taken liberties with second and third chances already, the relationship was over.

I wish now that I had only take the time to think about everything, to see things from Charlie's point of view and then to think about myself and how I'd been acting, and more importantly why I'd been acting that way. I was inconsiderate, uncaring and thoughtless because it's in my nature to be, but because I had become bored of Charlie, bored of our relationship and resentful of her for being the part of the relationship I no longer enjoyed.

Living with someone has it's benefits you see, companionship being the biggest and one, and with companionship sometimes dependancy. I had grown dependent on Charlie through friendship and love, and then in the later stages of our relationship, just out of habit.

I learnt to never pretend that something is something it is not on the basis of what it once was

It was Charlie who realised that I wasn't in love with her first, she then acted on that, mostly because she needed love and affection as well as companionship, and she found it in someone else.

It took a while to get over what I felt was a betrayal, I felt that if there were problems with our relationship then she should have come to me before going to someone else. I feel like a hypocrite now, because I felt there were problems in our relationship but instead of facing them I ignored them, in doing so I betrayed my own feelings and was just as dishonest to her.

The end of that relationship was a pivotal point in my life, initially it meant that I would later live with Brin and consider going to Japan on the JET programme as a result, I would find work in London and decide to become a Project Manager and I would refocus my efforts at University and come out the other end having done pretty well. But more than that I learnt to never let myself become that same coward again, who would stay in a relationship just because the alternative is being alone, or pretend that something is something it is not on the basis of what it once was.

And that is why I'm a Charlie Clempson fan, because without her brave example of self preservation highlighting my comparable example of cowardice, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And I may be at fault in many ways but I like myself and know my own worth enough to know what I deserve and when I deserve better.

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