Wednesday, March 12

The shape of things to come

Written August 3rd, 2006, 8:13am

So apparently, and I don’t know if I’ve understood this correctly so don’t quote me, apparently all time exists at once as a sort of quantum supposition, this means that today and tomorrow are in fact happening at the same time and its only consciousness which chooses to see time in the linear form we’re used to.

So right now, I’m being born, green eyes lighter skin and full head of hair. My eyes soon turn brown, my skin gets darker and my hair does all sorts of things because things can take different shapes in time.

It’s an odd concept, because you have to come to terms with the fact that tomorrow already exists, its here already and its just one collapse of those quantum suppositions away. But of course time has no idea what tomorrow is, time doesn’t section itself into discrete infinite sections, time just is.

We however, we do see time as succession of discrete units, minutes, hours, days, months and years. It’s a structure we understand and we’re happy with. But what happens when you can’t seem to escape yesterday, what if yesterday is continuously overlaid on your today’s and your tomorrows, is it better that we can take a straight line out of our past, best that tomorrow never comes?

In 25 minutes I copy this email from Word into my email program and my finger hovers over the mouse whilst I wonder if I should send it.

55 minutes ago I was happy, I completed my first exam of the year and it went quite well. It wasn’t 55 minutes ago when it happened but its happening now, all time exists at once.

And right now I’m holding my cousin in my arms, she’s crying and I feel empty, I’m not confused, I’m not tearful, I’m numb. She’s crying and she’s pregnant with a baby boy, months from now in her past she conceived, months from now in her future she gives birth to a beautiful son. Right now she’s trying to comprehend death.

Two hours before this I’m laughing at the misfortune of Richard Pryor as he tells the account of him having a heart attack, he describes the pain in a whimsical dramatic style and falls to the ground clutching his chest.

My cousin falls on my shoulder and weeps into it, her new born is placed in her arms and she feels elation, her child is being conceived in love and she doesn’t know.

Richard Pryor falls to the ground with his arm outstretched and my cousin Nick grabs his chest and slumps over the steering wheel of a moving car, I write about it because I feel its cathartic and its been playing on my mind because Saturday is a year since he died. It’s my yesterday but I can’t escape it, its overlaid on my today and my tomorrow.

Richard Pryor falls to the ground clutching his chest and I laugh, I laugh when I organise a gig and its not a success and I laugh on New Years Eve months later, my cousins son laughs and his innocence makes people smile.

Nick falls to his steering wheel clutching his chest and I laugh, I’m laughing at Richard Pryor, at his misfortune, I answer the phone at 3 that morning and I feel numb, I tell my cousin the news and she holds me, I don’t know what to do to comfort her, I still don’t.

In 10 minutes I copy this email from Word into my email program and my finger hovers over the mouse whilst I wonder if I should send it.

I spend over an hour on the phone to an old girlfriend and we talk endlessly about anything just so that we can be talking to each other, in a months time she won’t answer my calls or return my messages. I wonder what’s changed not realising that things can take different shapes in time, emotions included.

And I feel numb, eyes glazed over on the worst come down of my life, people wish me happy birthday and I lay on a towel over the sand under the Spanish sun, Richard Pryor lays on the ground arm outstretched and I laugh.

In 5 minutes I copy this email from Word into my email program and my finger hovers over the mouse whilst I wonder if I should send it. As I do I wonder if this moment already existed before it happened and wonder about the shape of things to come.

In 2 minutes I copy this email from Word into my email program and my finger hovers over the mouse whilst I wonder if I should send it. And Richard Pryor falls to the ground, and Nick slumps over the wheel of a moving car, and people wish me happy birthday, its New Years, my cousin is in labour, I feel numb and I laugh.

I laugh, and I wonder what about the shape of things to come.

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